Learning to Love Myself

After 13 years of marriage and almost 19 years of being inseparable, on Friday night Charlie asked me for a divorce. I will wait for the ....WHAT!... Yes, welcome to my world of shock. I had received a message earlier in the day from someone on MySpace, wanting to give me personal information, I blew it off as spam. She then messaged me again and said she had information about my husband and another woman. Charlie came clean, and admitted it, there was someone else, and he was in love with her, and he was no longer in love with me, but he loved me and wanted to remain friends, but he needed to be by himself.

So after 24 hours of shock, confusion, lies, rumors (the mystery woman with the message kept sending "information" about Charlie and his affair to me (which turned out to be not true)) and a lot of talking about the problems we have and if they are fixable or not. We have decided to do a trial separation, and go to a Christian Counselor. I am encouraged by this, considering just on Thursday the day before I got the solution to a physical problem (sleep apnea) that was affecting me emotionally, spiritually and causing me to push Charlie away. So since he is willing to try and fix the marriage with me it may be salvageable. But I just don't know, since we have neglected it and each other for so long, what is going to happen. He feels hurt and ignored by me, and I feel abandoned and betrayed by him.

UPDATE:
After time to think, pray, and be alone with God, I have realized I can't fix my marriage until I let God in and allow Him and myself to love me. Right now I have peace about the situation I have gotten myself, my marriage, and my husband into. Because we are going forward with healing and change by the grace and help of God.

Carolina Sleep Clinic

So I went to do my sleep study at Carolina Sleep Clinic. I arrived a little early to get the paperwork done about 8:15 pm. I was taken to a private room, with a nice double bed (which was quite comfortable). There was a recliner and a TV. The technician asked me to have a seat, fill out my paperwork and I could channel surf and get comfortable.

Once I was done with the paperwork, and I got relatively comfortable, the technician, Glen, came in and started hooking me up to all the wires for body data readings, which took about 15 minutes to actually clean and set the areas and then hook up the wires. There were 10 on my head, two on my chest and two on shins. When Glen was done, finally, he said I could watch TV until I was ready to go to sleep. Since I didn't sleep the night before, I was ready at 9:30 pm to hit the sack.

So Glen got me and all the wires into the bed and situated for sleep, then he left the room to go to the control booth to do some setup tests. That took about 5 minutes, and I was off to la la land.

I slept for about an hour and a half, until 11:00 pm, when Glen came in and woke me up. He said he was going to put me on a CPAC machine, because I was struggling to breathe, and I was gasping for breath, and I was even not breathing for long periods of time.

So he got the CPAC machine hooked up to my face, and set the pressure for me to breathe through my nose, and it was a really weird feeling. I went directly back to sleep, I woke up once to adjust my position, and when I did I got out of a comfortable position, I drifted back to sleep but it was not a restful position, so I didn't sleep well, but it was better than when I was not on the CPAC machine.

I then woke up at 3:15 am and I was awake for the day. After getting all the wires off me, and unhooked from the machines, Glen explained, that my sleep apnea was so bad, I was not breathing and my body was not waking me to begin breathing again, this was because my body was so exhausted, it couldn't wake me. Eventually, I would actually start to suffocate and then would gasp for air and then I would start breathing again.

This is what was not allowing me to get a full nights rest and why I have been so tired and can't get things done, because my body has been in a full state of exhaustion. So now I will have to use a CPAC machine at night to help regulate my breathing so I can sleep correctly. But the main issue is my weight I have to get this off. That is my main goal and I am determined to lose it.

Printing with the Canon PIXMA iP4500

Ok, after several days of trial and error, a lot of paper, and not so much ink. Which by the way surprised me, I am impressed with how many images you can print with out using up a lot of ink. I finally got the prints coming out of the printer matching the image on my monitor.

1. Here are the steps:
   Calibrate your monitor! -If you do not know how to do this or have never done this, do it. If you don't know how: you can view a tutorial here.
   
   
2. Then you need to set the profile for the printer: Go to your printer and faxes dialog box, either through your control panel or from the start button. Right click on the Canon icon and go to properties at the bottom of the drop down list.
   
3. Once in the properties dialog box, go to the Color Management Tab at the top. Change the color settings from Automatic to Manual. Then set the color profile to the profile you saved when you calibrated your monitor. Set it as the default. Apply and you are done with this part.
4. Then when you are ready to print from Photoshop, go to file, print and when the print dialog box opens select the Canon iP4500 from the printer drop down list and then go to the page setup button. Set the media type, I left the print quality on standard and the image that was printed was pristine and sharp, so using high quality is just a waste of ink (In my opinion), and leave the Color/Intensity on Auto.
5. Finally when you go back to the printer dialog box: Under color management, set Color Handling to Photoshop manages color, set the Printer profile to sRGB - because Ink Jet printers are actually set to that value like the web, and set Rendering intent to Perceptual so that the colors will blend better.

I had stated in my previous post about this printer that it prints full color 8x10's in 20 seconds. That is actually not true. It does a full color 8x10 in about 24-28 seconds. It will do a 5x7 picture package (a 5x7 and 4 wallets), (2 5x7's), (8 wallets) in about 20-25 seconds.

Business is picking up

I got another wedding booked for the month of July. God is coming through with his promise. As I get my life organized, He is slowing allowing His promise to bless me with my passion and work as a photographer. Praise God and His son Jesus Christ my Savior.

The Sleep Clinic

So I got my appointment in the mail from the doctor to go to the sleep clinic next week. I have to go to the sleep clinic to see if I sleep well and if I have sleep apnea.
What does that all in tell? I go to the clinic at night, with my pj's on, my favorite pillow, showered and clean. They stick wires all over me to monitor me and my sleep habits and then I go home in the morning and wait for the results.

Garden and Gun

I did hear back from the Garden and Gun Magazine, they will be using my photo for the article on Yadkin Valley Wine Country. The issue will be out in Aug/Sept., no word on the cover, but I guess that will be a surprise.

Canon PIXMA iP4500

I needed to purchase a new event printer, after about 2 weeks of mind numbing and eye straining reviews, and blinding page after blinding page of printer specs, I decided to go with a Canon PIXMA iP4500. The price was reasonable, the paper and ink price was even lower than the supplies for the Kodak Pro 1400.

The printer arrived today, and after testing for 3 hours, the directions and manual were not freaking help, Canon needs to improve on that area. I got the color match down to almost perfect for my monitor color. The prints are pristine and beautiful. They come out much faster than the Kodak Pro 1400, 20 secs from push print to pick up from output tray, for a full size 8x10. Very impressed with Canon's technology jump from 10 years ago.

I will post more in depth details on how to match color from Photoshop to Printer, since Canon has overlooked that, so others can benefit from my hair pulling 3 hours of trial and error.

Misty the Missing Mutt (Husky)

I got a text from my friend Melanie this morning at 5:30 am. "I need a really big favor, call me when you get up". So I was up and I called her. Bono her dog was outside this morning barking at something, it turned out to be a dog, a Husky. It was a friendly dog, and looked well fed and taken care of. So it must be a dog from her neighborhood, she just didn't know who's it was, she has just moved there.

So I call the vet to make sure they can scan for micro chipping, and after my workout and shower, I go over to get the dog to take her to the vet for scanning.

As I am leaving the neighborhood, I notice a house on the way that has a large fenced in backyard and there is a German Shepard in the yard, but I remember seeing two dogs a few days ago. I turn around to go see if that is the dog's home. I park, I ring the door bell, the owner comes to the door, "Sorry to bother you, but do you have two dogs?" Yes is her response. But I have both here. I explain the situation, she wants to see the dog. "Oh, that is Lucky, he has escaped before and came over here to play with my dogs, his owners live on St. Regis Road". Are you sure I ask, this is a female, she looks again, yes that is Lucky I am sure of it. So I give her my number in case the owners call her, and I take off to find "Lucky's" family. I find two homes on St. Regis Road, that have fenced in backyards but no dogs. Nobody's home. I see a lady on the road running, I stop her and ask if she recognizes the dog, no, but she suggest that I go to the neighborhood pool and ask there around 10:00am. At this point I have no choice but to go to the vet for a scan.

On the trip to the vet, "Lucky" makes herself very much at home in the van, lying down crossing her legs and getting very comfortable, even passing gas... Rolling the windows down, I ask her not to do that again.

At the vet, we have success, a scan, a beep, a number. She has been micro chipped, yeah! As the office manager starts to make phone calls to the various microchip databases, "Lucky" and I sit to wait for the information to get her back home. The first database, no luck, "Lucky" isn't very lucky... The second call, "Viola", Name: Misty, Owner: Yes, Address: Yes, Phone: Yes. So this was not "Lucky" after all.

Carla the office manager calls the owner, "Sir, we have your dog at the Vet's Office". Owner, "What, my dog is in my yard at my house". Carla, "Well, we scanned her micro chip and your information came up from the number, You can pick her up here, wait" I interrupt her, "I can take the dog back to the owner, I have time".

I get on the phone and get directions, Misty's house is about 3/4 of a mile from my friends house on a busy road, so she was lucky that she did not get hit by a car.

The owner was like when I left for work she was in the backyard. I asked if he was at home, no but his son was. So Misty and I get back in the Van and head to her home. As we arrive she is very happy and knows where she is, the son was not very thankful for the dog, in fact he was kind of angry with the dog, but he said Thanks, and took off after the dog and went inside. I was like you are welcome, talking to myself, by this time. I got in my van and left, Oh well at least she was home safe and sound.

Vitamin D Deficiency "Wacky"

That was the quote from my doctor's nurse on Friday. My Vitamin D was wacky and that is the main reason I am not getting enough rest at night and why I am so tired during the day.

So they have started me on Vitamin D for 10 weeks to regulate it and then hopefully all I will have to do then is take supplements to maintain it, and I will get out of this funk I have been as I get healthy.

An Opportunity to get published and noticed!

On Thursday, I recieved a call from Tim Doub owner of Flint Hill Vineyards. He introduce himself and then explained why he was calling. About a year and half ago, I did some photos of his vineyard for my uncle, who was building a bed and breakfast to cater to the wine country in that area of NC. Here are the photos, my favorite is this one
I put this compilation together for one of my desktop images

So Tim explained that a magazine Garden and Gun was doing a story on Flint Hill Vineyards and they were going to use several pictures and one was of the front porch that he really didn't like. He remembered seeing the one I took and wanted my permission for the magazine to use that one. He said "When I saw that photograph, I loved it, It is the front porch."

I have sent the image to the magazine's reporter and hopefully they will use that image, Tim would like to see it on the cover. So now it is a waiting game, to see if they will use it, here's hoping and prayer. This could lead to much bigger and better things all from the hand of God.

Anniversary Dinner.

Yesterday for our anniversary we did not get to have a proper dinner or evening together. Since our anniversary fell on my work day, and it was up to 100 degrees out for the day, we were exhausted and fell asleep early.

So since I don't work on Wednesday, I decided to make a feast for us tonight.

We are huge seafood lovers... I always say I could never be a vegetarian because I love shrimp, crab and lobster too much.

We also have become huge fans of "The Deadliest Catch" on the Discovery Channel. These men that risk their lives to bring us this wonderful food are true heroes. So I bought King Crab Legs for our feast.

I bought fresh lemons, baby spinach, fresh strawberries, asparagus, large fresh shrimp, two large King Crab legs and Fillet Minot.

I started out by marinating the strawberries in Balsamic Vinegar.
Then I marinated the shrimp in lemon zest, salt and pepper.
I then grilled the Fillet Minot as that was cooking, I cooked the shrimp by sauteing it in butter and garlic and lemon juice.
As that was going, I blanched the asparagus, and then wrapped the Crab legs in foil with garlic, lemon zest and cooked for 15 minutes at 425.
Then as everything was cooking, I made the salad, I cleaned the spinach and put the strawberries over the spinach with crumbled blue cheese then tossed.

It was wonderful we felt like we were at Gordon Ramsay's At the London Restaurant.

For the men on crab fishing boats in Alaska, I toast you and your hard, the Crabs Legs were the best I have ever had. Wonderful job guys, stay safe.

13 Years!

November 18, 1989 - My cousin asked me to go out with her friend, Charlie.
18 1/2 years later, we are still going strong.

December 7, 1989 - Charlie told me he loved me.
December 8, 1989 - I told Charlie I loved him.

January 7, 1991 - Charlie and I officially started to live together

August 15, 1992 - Charlie and I decided to declare our love in front of God and let Him marry us.

March 12, 1994 - After watching "Hearts and Souls" Charlie got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, he did not want to waste another minute without me being his legal wife.

June 10, 1995 - At 6:00pm on a beautiful summer evening, I walked down the isle of Main Street United Methodist Church, escorted by my father, to be married in a Methodist Church, by a Moravian Minister to an Episcopalian.

Mr. & Mrs. Troy Brickey gave their daughter
Robin Kaye Brickey
in Holy Matramony
to Mr. & Mrs. T.A. Underhill Jr. for their son
Charles Crosby Underhill.

Mr. & Mrs. Charles C Underhill.

Prayers abound!

Sometimes I wonder, "Why are we here?" I know that God wants us to learn to love Him and take His Son into us and become His Children. But there are so many things here on this Earth that harden our hearts to Goodwill towards our fellow man. Which makes me wish God would just send Jesus back to get us. Then I hear of a miracle and know that God is still in control no matter what we may think or feel.

Two of my friends have people in their lives that have cancer and are fighting for their lives. Both have a staple of faith in God and are taking it one day at a time, and letting God heal them.

One is older and has breast cancer working it's way through her body.

One is very young and had a tumor removed from your brain stem.

One is going through Chemo and wanting not to be a burden to her family.

One may not have to go through Chemo, but is in ICU, not even aware of family and friends prayers for her.

One has had a long and wonderful life's journey, fighting to continue to be with her family.

One at the beginning of her life's journey, with wonderful days ahead.

They both have a CaringBridge Page - Bring their two worlds together for a common goal, Prayers for healing.

Cheryl's CaringBridge Page
Nothing shall separate us from Him!
The Power of God's Grace in Our Lives - For Perseverance

'Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

Romans 8:35-39 KJV

Power of Prayer and Faith will overcome those infirmities that beat us down in this realm.

Libba's CaringBridge Page
Matthew 18:1-5 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ' Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?' He called a child, whom he put among them, and said, 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.'

No matter what happens these two people will have touched a lot of people and shown that God's love and power are all around us and never fleeting from us.

Working on getting myself Healthy

Now on week 2, getting more strict on eating and working out. Last week I had a set back... Worked 3 days and it threw me off my schedule. Getting back on track today. I have a doctor's appointment on Wed, so I can see where my weight is. However, I had one pair of shorts that were tight and were loose this past Friday when I put them on.